We all know what a bat/bar mitzvah is. A 12/13-year-old girl/boy leads the congregation in Shabbat services, chants from the Torah, chants a Haftarah, and gives a speech. The young adult is nervous: their voice cracks, they rarely look up, and there is a visible sigh of relief when it is over and they can go on to the party. The parents are right there with them, in nerves and relief. The month before has been fraught with tension as parents are subsumed in the planning details of party and service and young adult is busily reviewing everything taught while buying clothes and worrying about which friends have declined the invitation.
And yet, none of this is a bar/bat mitzvah. According to the Talmud, the age of 13 for boys and 12 for girls is the age at which they are responsible for fulfilling vows they have made and for meeting ritual obligations including counting as one of the ten in a minyan, putting on tefillin each day, and being responsible for keeping all of the mitzvot/commandments. One becomes a bar/bat mitzvah on the 13th/12th Hebrew birthday. Automatically. Without any service or ritual or party. It is simply a measure of the passing of time to assume adult responsibilities as a Jew.
Those of us who teach b’nai mitzvah students often have moments of questioning why we inflict the contemporary vision on 13-year-olds. The stress of mastering the prayers and chanting of Torah and Haftarah, the choosing of a meaningful mitzvah project, the finding time within schedules that are already so over-committed – all while students are just finding their identity in the tumult of middle school. Is it really necessary?
In fact, no. By Jewish law, a child need do nothing to become bar/bat mitzvah other than reach their Hebrew birthday. Here then, is tremendous opportunity. Let’s reclaim the occasion as a moment of personal meaning for each youth. Let’s step away from the assumed requirement of the traditional synagogue service and have each individual choose which aspects of Judaism resonate most deeply with them. Perhaps it is leading prayers and chanting Torah and Haftarah. Maybe it is finding a deeply meaningful mitzvah project that allows them to play a significant role in partnering with God to repair the world. Or it could be studying the history of the Jews in a certain country – or spending a summer in Israel – or researching and writing about a Jewish topic of interest. Any of these ideas – and so many more – could mark and celebrate the occasion of reaching the age of Jewish adulthood.
Our greatest desire is to empower our children to be critical-thinking, problem-solving, independent adults. Let’s embrace becoming bar/bat mitzvah as an opportunity for them to discover the essential parts of their personal Jewish identity.
